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08:59pm 01/06/2006
mood: sleepy
I love thunderstorms. I sit here looking out my window at the lightning and hearing the thunder and my heart is put to rest. they calm me. Make me want to cuddle and just listen to the rain. I love thunderstorms.
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07:58am 01/06/2006
mood: sad
marrage. marrrage is what brings us together...today. Yesterday was bored and was waching whatever I came across on the TV. What i came across wad father of the bride and father of the bride 2. I love thoughs movies... well I use to. Now they just seem as a drpressing reminder of the things I can never have. I will never have a wedding day. My father willl not walk me down the isial handding me off to the man I will love for the rest of my life. There will be no first dance, no father daughter dance, and no honnymoon to fly off to after. There will be no pregnicy scairds. No picking out names for a boy or girl, no finding out of it's a boy or girl. No chouse on how to raise and watch and teach a life to grow into a beautiful person inside and out. Nope. I get non of this. *sigh*
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06:32pm 29/05/2006
mood: bored
69 Questions to Start the Summer

1. Are you in a relationship? yes

2. Do you hate more than 3 people? i don't hate, to much effort

3. How many houses have you lived in? 4

4. What is your favorite candy bar? ummm reases?

5. What are your favorite shoes? my new slip on green ones

6. Have you ever tripped someone? must have

7. What was your least favorite subject this year? NA

8. What was your favorite subject this year? NA

9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD? yep, her last one

10. Have you ever thrown up in public? yea

11. Name something that's always on your mind. sleep

12. What is your favorite type of music? alt I guess

13. What is your sign? Scropiro

14. What time were you born? don't know

15. Do you like beer? hell no

16. Have you ever made a prank call? must have

17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own? ummm english salor moon

18. Are you sarcastic? no, me?

19. What is your favorite color? Lately purple

20. How many watches do you own? o, need one

21. Summer or winter? Summer

22. Spring or fall? fall

23. What is your favorite color to wear? brown, purple, white, green

24. Pepsi or Sprite? orainge(sp)

25. What color is your cell phone? blue

26. Where is your second home? hospice

28. Have you ever had a cavity? lot of little ones that don't need to be fixed

29. How many lamps are in your bedroom? 1

30. How many video games do you own? 4

31. What was your first pet? a black cat named smokie

32. Have you ever had braces? nope

33. Do looks matter? sadly yes. they are not everything, but yes to hell they matter

34.do you use chapstick? nope, don't like the feeling

35. Name 3 teachers from your high school. Thurber, Schoenburg, Mayjoy

36. American Eagle or Abercrombie? I don;t like names on my clothes

37. Are you too forgiving? I think so

38. How many children do you want? I would have liked to have had one

39. Do you own something from Hot Topic? bunch

40. What is your favorite breakfast? belgen walffels with wipcream and stawberries

41. Do you own a gun? nope

42. Have you ever thought you were in love? yes

43. When was the last time you cried? ummmmm few days maybe

44. What did you do 3 nights ago? ummm nothing

45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden? haven't yet

46. Have you ever called your teacher mom? think so

47. Have you ever been in a castle? yes

48. What are your nicknames? Krista

49. Do you know anyone named Bertha? nope

50. Have you ever been to Kentucky? nope

51. Do you own something from Banana Republic? don't think so

52. Are you thinking about somebody right now? nope

53. Have you ever called someone Boo? ummm no

54. Do you smoke? never

55. Do you own a diamond ring? nope

56. Are you happy with your life right now? for the situaion i'm in, yes

57. do you dye your hair? ask me this again later...

58. Does anyone like you? well I damn hope so

59. What year were you born? 1981

60. What were you doing May of 1994? ummm should I know this?

61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD? nope
62. McDonald's or Wendy's? both lately. MacDonald's has gotten better and Wendy's worse

63. Do you like yourself? most days

64. Are you closer to your mother or father? I'm not sure these days. alot closer to both though

65. What do you like most in the opposite sex? they are not so complicated

66. Are you afraid of the dark? nope

67. Have you ever eaten paste? don't think so

68. Do you have a webcam? nope

69. Have you ever stripped? don't think so
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Anime Boston   
03:58am 28/05/2006
mood: chipper
Great day
Great time
Great people
Had fun
got my grove thing on at the dance for a little
Spent to much money, but only on things I planned to get anyway
more later if I feel like it
5 words... three versions of cat ears :)
and a fan

Living life everyday!
05:38pm 25/05/2006
mood: guilty
I feel like i'm cheating someone. By living here and not having to pay for it. Hell for living at all still. That i'm putting people through so much pain by having to face that i'm going to die that I owe it to people to die already so they can grieve and move on with there life. Me... well it's not really about me is it in someways. When this is over I am gone and it is everyone else that has to deal with the pain.
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quizs... something to pass the time   
11:49am 25/05/2006

What makes you happy?(great pix,honest results)

The thing that makes you happy,even though you might not realise it is LOVE and caring. You like to spend quiet time at home with you family or hang with your friends. You're a very emotonal person and you cant possibly survive without love in your life.You're really funloving and can make most people laugh (i kinda envy you for that),you also probably have tons and tons of friends not to mention all the people who envy you secretly and will try to invade your private life, if you let them too close - and all that just because you're such a nice person.Watch out though - a person such as you is very vulnerable when it comes to trusting. Don't over do it...as optimistic a you are, in reality there are many treators. In love you can only find happyness with someone opposite to you (like..character i mean). He/she'll complete you in a unimaginable way and make you feel truly special and unique. If you find that person, the two of you'll be like Cindarella and her prince charming.Good luck and please rate if you liked the result.
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What are you in anime world that represents yourself? [LOVELY anime pix] 10 unique results

ARCHERI think an archer would best represent you in anime world. You are probably determined, strong-willed, stable, and kind of mature. You may seem outwardly tough and unshakable, but inside you can actually be sensitive and nice. You are most definitely talented. This can be somewhat related to an archer. Archers are definitely talented. You need accuracy and patience to hit the target in archery. And I predict that you are a pretty patient person. Plus, archers are unique and people admire them for their skills. Same goes for you! I'm sure there are people out there who appreciate your talent and skills, whether it is academic skills or athletic skills or whatever it is. You may not even realize that you are a talented person with a great personality that everyone admires! Heh, isn't this a pretty unique result? Please rate high if you liked it! Thanks for taking my quiz! Oh, check out the 'see all possible results' to see the other GREAT anime pics!
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Where do you lay on the Good-Evil Scale? (Girls Only, amazing anime pics.)

50% WOAH, you better be careful, your right on the edge. You just stay on the legal side of things. Perhaps a bit of experimentation with illegal substances, or drinking underage. Becareful.
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04:01pm 24/05/2006
mood: nervous
I've been trying to deny it but I can't any more. My breathing is getting worse. It's deeper and harder to get enough air when not at compleat reast. *sigh* Maybe if I take my breathing treatments more... I can always up my other meds to, but that means admiting i'm getting worse. *sigh*
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08:52pm 23/05/2006
mood: bored
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11:29pm 20/05/2006
  so some people have been asking me if there is anything I need or want, and well there isn;t anything big, I have started collecting Tinkerbell things and on ebay came across a bunch of really cute pillows that would be nice to have on my couch. So If anyone feels like getting me anything that;s not flowers and candy and such one of these pillows would be nice. Just don't bid against me hehehe. I just searched tinkerbell pillow. Lov ya all. Don't know what I would do without my friends.  
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12:33pm 12/05/2006
  I be looking for a ride down to the event tomorrow. Anyone got the space and going any place near Merrimack NH?  
11:36pm 11/05/2006
  I am trying to find photos of me from High school- college and now. i have a hole in my photo hisory that i'm trying to fix. Anything at all would be great, Realms stuff too. Thanks  
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05:09pm 01/05/2006
mood: bored
I am so BORED!!! And i don't like being bored. It's scary to tell the truth. When i'm not actively doing something it's like my drugs pull me in and I get lost in this half awake half asleep fog that i'm worried of getting lost or stuck in.
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04:52am 25/04/2006
mood: sleepy
summary for now of my past week plus: Had a near death moment where i couldn't breath had to call 911, was told the first night I might die that night, was stabilized and put on oxygen in NH then sent to Dana Farber hospital for a week. Tumors have grown,and I am now in a Hospice house in Merrick NH. It'd very nice here, it's keeping my spirits up. But my Dr has no more chemo ideas that wouldn't just cause me more harm then good. I'm gonna send my info to some other hospitals for ideas, but its un likely i will find anything but i'm not done fighting till it kills me. That's all for now, very sleepy. maybe more later.
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kinda fliping out   
09:22pm 15/04/2006
mood: confused
Thanks to meds I now have no concept of time. this includes the ability to distinguish what I did yeasterday vs today, if it's today, yesterday or tomorrow, and if it is morning, noon, or night. This is bad right?
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life impact   
09:32pm 06/04/2006
  What have I meant to you? Have impacted your life in any significant way? Have I changed you in anyway? Good and/or bad? If not that's ok, I just would like to know.

When we die we leave part of ourselves behind in the minds and hearts of others...what have I left behind?
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06:46pm 11/03/2006
mood: lonely
"I looked away
Then I looked back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today is the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you

You're the only one
I'd be with 'til the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything

I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it

And I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
And I don't want to talk about it
'Cause I'm in love with you

I'm in love with you
'Cause I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you" - Avril Lavigne
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05:01pm 03/03/2006
mood: scared
Update time I guess...

2 weeks ago I found out the results of my last CT scan. The cancer that has shrunk in the past year has grown back. Almost all of it. My cell counts are still to low to put me back on my old drug regiment so they have, starting this past monday, put me on 5FU once a week. It's a drug that will not crush my blood cells as much so hopefully in time they can heal and build up enough for me to go back on my old treatment. At least they aren't bigger then when I started right? Trying to hold on to that hope thing?

On another note things between me and Jake are...strained I guess is the best word. I think it's mostly in my head. I need to learn to relax and stop trying to define our relationship because we are under extenuating circumstances so our relationship is not going to look or be like a "normal one". right? (yes i'm really asking.) My worrying and stressing is only making him aggravated.

I haven't talked to him in a week. Trying to give him some space, but kinda annoyed he didn't call to see how my first treatment on the new drug went. Also it seems like everyone is braking up. Five different couples I know. This time of year i've noticed this happens a lot, and I'm almost afraid to talk to him that we will brake up too. Silly isn't it? This is a great example of things in my head causing problems that aren't there. I need spring to come faster.

I miss normal
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best cancer treatment ever! LOL   
01:22am 16/02/2006
mood: amused

And no I have not tried it yet...yet...
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03:45am 14/02/2006
mood: blank
So... Monday came again and went again and with it went my chance to get chemo. Yes, yet again i was rejected chemo because my platelets were to low still. They told me to come back in 2 weeks this time. I have a CT scan on friday so soon I will find out if during this off time if anything has spread... and if it has, well there isn't a thing I or the doctors can do about it until my counts go up. Doctors take an oath to "do no harm". If they give me chemo right now I would most likey die from random internal bleeding. I can't tell if i'm mad, depressed, or scaird. I'm almost zoned out. I fear this time without treatment will kill me and that it will come swift from the darkness without signs or warnings. How did I get here?
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08:43pm 10/02/2006
mood: weird
What stage of crazy is it when you have a 10min conversation with a bag of blood?
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